Stop Buying Terrible Pasta Sauce

When I was younger my Brother and I participated in every sport and activity you could think of.  The one that stuck for both of us was swimming, which led to grueling two a day practices during our teenage years.  Mother Moors used to have to come up with large enough meals to feed us after practice, which led to some of the most impressive eating sessions in the history of the city of Northville, MI.  The one that seemed to fill us up the easiest was a giant pot of spaghetti, Italian sausage and a jar of store bought sauce.  To this day, spaghetti is one of my favorite meals to prepare when I want something fast and easy.  My Mother made a lot of sacrifices and taught me many things while I was growing up.  The wisdom she bestowed upon me has formed me into the person I am today.  There was one piece of information she shared with me in my late teens that has made an impact on my entire life.  I will never forget it.

Stop buying terrible pasta sauce.

Stop buying Prego.  Stop buying Ragu.  That off brand value sauce?  Leave it on the shelf. Your pasta deserves better.  That Italian sausage is judging you.  I’m not trying to be some pasta sauce snob when I say that.  I understand that it’s a really cost effective way of serving a large plate of food and some people don’t care.  This entire post is dedicated to making you care the next time you want to make a large plate of spaghetti and need some sauce.  This is dedicated to my Mother, who taught me to have higher expectations when eating spaghetti.  Finally, this post is dedicated to spaghetti — The finest, cheapest way to cure hunger.

First of all, let’s look at the ingredients in a terrible pasta sauce.  Take for example a can of Ragu Old World Style Traditional Sauce, which is advertised as their richest, thickest recipe:

Tomato Puree (Water, Tomato Paste), Soybean Oil, Salt, Sugar, Dehydrated Onions, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Spices, Romano Cheese Made From Cow’s Milk (Cultured Part-Skim Milk, Salt, Enzymes), Natural Flavors.’

Your first lesson in purchasing sauce at the store is if your jar lists tomato paste as the first ingredient drop the can so it shatters on the floor and pretend you did it on accident. You should then ask for a mop and clean it up yourself so someone doesn’t have to clean up after you.  Seriously though. Tomato paste is created by cooking down tomatoes until the liquid is almost completely removed, leaving a thick tomato concentrate.  It’s the first step in making ketchup.  You’re basically stealing a tomato’s soul and selling it to the devil.  Any integrity that tomato had is now gone.  You may as well enjoy a large glass of juice from concentrate while eating tomato soul.

Instead, look for a very simple item listed first on the ingredients.  Look for actual tomatoes.  No puree, no paste.  Just tomatoes.  Going the complete opposite end of the spectrum, take a look at Rao’s Homemade Marinara’s ingredients.

Imported Italian tomatoes, imported olive oil, fresh onions, salt, fresh garlic, fresh basil, black pepper, oregano

See how it sounds like you just bought a jar of tomatoes with some seasonings?  Doesn’t that sound more like what we want to dump on our pasta?  I know, I know, Rao’s is $9 a jar which to most people just isn’t worth it.  I happen to believe that it’s an absolutely ridiculous idea to pay that much for some tomatoes and seasoning.  There are plenty of sauces in between that use actual tomatoes rather than the souls of thousands of poor tomatoes.  If you pay an extra dollar or two, your pasta will be happy to not have to hang out with those asshole sauces.

Second, why not just make your own sauce?  I understand not everyone has the know-how to make a sauce and it’s just so much easier to buy a bottle of Prego ketchup sauce and be done with it.  Here’s my retort to that.  You can purchase a two pound can of San Marzano tomatoes, widely known as tomatoes grown in the finest tomato growing region in the world, for about $4.  From there you pour it in a pot with whatever ingredients you like, cook it on medium-low for an hour or two and you have a better sauce than any jar you could buy at any store.  The beautiful part of this is it’s almost impossible to screw up.  Like garlic?  Throw it in.  Like your sauce a little spicy?  Add red pepper.  Want to cook the Italian sausage directly in the sauce so you don’t have to wash two pans?  IT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER.  Seriously, the next time you are thinking about buying a jar of sauce buy a can of tomatoes instead and just throw a bunch of shit together.  It will blow your mind how much better it is.

Just as a bonus, here’s the recipe for that $9 bottle of Rao’s Marinara.  This makes double what sells at the store for a dollar less than one jar.  Obviously the better the ingredients you use the closer it will taste to actual Rao’s.

• Olive oil
• Quarter onion, chopped up
• 2 garlic cloves, chopped up
• 2 28-ounce cans crushed tomatoes.
• 6 leaves fresh basil, torn into small pieces.  Don’t chop it, ask Meyhem Lauren.
• Little bit of dried oregano
• Salt and pepper

Do you have a crock pot/slow cooker?  Of course you do.  Dump all of those ingredients in before you leave for work and when you get home you’ll have a delicious sauce that tastes like it was cooked by an old Italian lady name Belaflore.  If you’ve never cooked a couple of pieces of Italian sausage in your sauce, as mentioned before, here is your chance to be the hero you’ve never been able to be.  Your family will probably even do the dishes for you after dinner instead of just leaving them in the sink like they always do.

 

Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit

OK OK, I’m a little late to the party on an issue that has been dividing the city of Detroit for months now. When it first came up I didn’t want to react out of emotion and say something I would regret. Like our President, I don’t just rush out and make a statement before I have collected all the facts. On hot button topics such as this one, the decision to come out immediately and take a side could divide all twelve of my readers. At this stage in my writing career, I just can not afford to take risks like that.

So after giving it some time and collecting all of the information that is now available I am now ready to make a statement and take a side. I’m also ready to offer you my opinion — And as a bonus, I’ll explain my opinion in ways that you can understand. It involves Kid Rock and it includes an announcement he made recently that could cause people to make a mistake that they will never forget. Ready for this one?

Kid Rock opened a restaurant.

Yes. Kid Rock, self proclaimed Son of Detroit — Or more accurately, Son of Romeo, decided it would be a good idea to open up a restaurant called Made in Detroit serving a variety of Southern and Detroit influenced dishes. The 5,800 sq. ft restaurant and bar sits in the new Little Caesars arena and is open to the public even outside of event dates. The walls are plastered with Kid Rock memorabilia but unfortunately Confederate flags were not allowed as a decoration, despite Rock’s deep ties to the southern states.

Now if you read that last sentence and detected sarcasm then you are doing a great job following along with me. Let’s dive into a history of Kid Rock so we can better understand the roots of his Made in Detroit restaurant because the story is what makes a restaurant great, am I right?

Bob Ritchie was born in Romeo, MI in 1971 on a six-acre estate with an apple orchard. His father, Bill, owned several car local car dealerships. At the age of 15 he ran away to the mean streets of Mt Clemens to DJ and rap for various parties and at the age of 17 signed a record deal as a hip hop artist with Jive Records. I’ll fast forward through bringing Uncle Kracker to the world, becoming a rap-rock superstar with Fred Durst and starring in a sex tape with the lead singer of Creed and get to the point. I read a lot about Kid Rock in preparation for this article. I learned a lot more about Kid Rock than I ever cared to know. I became confused on one big thing with Kid Rock’s life.

Where did his southern ties come from? After recording his most successful song in 2002 — A duet with Sheryl Crow — his sound completely changed from some of the worst rap/rock in the history of terrible rap/rock to a mix of Southern Rock and Country. His look changed from mesh tank tops and wife beaters to cowboy hats and creative uses of the American flag as clothing. Somehow, Kid Rock went from a terrible rapper to the most patriotic country artist alive, even dubbing him self the King of White Trash. Doesn’t this seem kind of weird? Stop to think, country music fans accepted Hootie as one of their own so is it really that weird that they also accepted Kid Rock?

So I got tired of researching Kid Rock’s love for America, his claim that he loves both the Confederacy and Black people and his deep affection for the South. There wasn’t really anything interesting about it. It was quite obvious that the guy saw an opportunity to transition from a genre of music that was slowly dying to another genre that was on the rise. Creating a character that made music about drinking whiskey, loving America and not giving a fuck was the more lucrative path. So Bob Ritchie created this character and turned into it.

So at the midpoint of this post you’re probably asking yourself when I’m going to actually start talking about food. Well my wonderful reader, here’s where we begin talking about how absolutely stupid Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit restaurant is. Ready? Let’s do it.

Much like his public persona, Kid Rock’s restaurant is also completely full of shit. We aren’t even going to go into the news that there were $2.9 million in fines for violating contracts requiring a certain percentage of contractors hired to construct the arena to be from the Detroit Area. In fact, 27 perfect of the total hours spent constructing the area housing Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit were actually worked by Detroit and Michigan based companies.

What we will go into is how completely ridiculous attempting to merge Southern and Detroit style cuisines together is. Ask yourself — what is Detroit style cuisine? Is there really such a thing? The only two things Detroit is known for are coney dogs and deep dish pizza. Can you make an entire menu out of these two items? The answer is absolutely not unless your making an entire restaurant specializing in one of them. So did Kid Rock decide that there wasn’t enough Detroit themed food items to fill his menu or did he feel the need to extend his “I’m from Detroit but I really really like the South” act into his restaurant? The answer is absolutely.

So when Kid Rock decided to open a restaurant called Made in Detroit he probably partnered with a Detroit based company to help him, right? That would only make sense seeing as the place is called Made in Detroit. Actually, he called up a large hospitality company called Delaware North out of Buffalo, New York. When it came time to hire a chef to run day to day operations? Kid Rock and Delaware North looked no further than Westland, MI(voted worst food city in the world from 2013-2016) to find their executive chef. No, I didn’t make the Westland connection up.

The menu includes exactly four menu items that have any actual ties to Detroit. There are the Coney Island Buns, Fried McClure’s Pickles, The Hamtramck Burger and a Michigan Cherry Pie. Everything else is a random mix that ranges from Chicken Shawarma Tacos, Nashville Hot Chicken, Fried Oysters and Grits, Beet Salad and to top everything off.. Vegan Bourbon Maple Ice Cream, because Kid Rock cares about vegans. Many menu items contain a bacon that is called out as Nueske’s slab bacon that is shipped in from Wisconsin. There is an American Goulash which is a little confusing, because goulash is a traditional Hungarian dish. The Made in Detroit Burger is topped with lettuce, tomatoes, American cheese and pickles — Leaving me wondering exactly what about this burger makes it Made in Detroit aside from the fact that it was assembled in Detroit.

If the food menu wasn’t confusing enough, the drink menu is even better. One of the great things about the state of Michigan and the city of Detroit over the last decade is the emergence of craft breweries and distilleries. There are thousands of great beers being produced out of the state and hundreds of choices in liquor. So what did Kid Rock choose for his beer menu? In-state choices are American Badass Lager, Ghetto Blaster and Two Hearted IPA. Other choices include Stroh’s, Labatt, Tecate and Black Label. There five liquor options from Michigan based companies but none are included in their cocktail menu. Couldn’t you at least use the liquor that is made in Detroit in the cocktails in a restaurant called Made in Detroit? Is that too much to ask?

I know, I know it’s silly to try use logic when dissecting the backstory and menu of a restaurant owned by a guy who once got into a fight at a Waffle House. It’s just hard for me to look at someone so full of shit open up a restaurant in a Detroit that has such an improving food culture. It’s also hard to look at someone who was once quoted as saying “My shows aren’t about trying to save some place, because I don’t feel that’s the right venue for it. That’s my politics right there: Don’t bring politics to my shows.” now giving political speeches teasing a run for Senate at his shows.

My stance: Don’t go to Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit. Don’t encourage celebrities partnering with large hospitality companies to open terrible restaurants and take away from the local food culture. Don’t go here, don’t go to Wahlburgers — Support local businesses who are actually a part of the city and give it character. Kid Rock somehow became a representative for a city that had hardly anything going for it. Detroit is better than Kid Rock now. I completely understand that celebrity presence brings money and recognition into the city but is Kid Rock really the celebrity we want when people think of Detroit? Maybe a decade ago when people outside of the city thought of it as a dumping ground. Not anymore.

Stop Putting Sweet Shit On My Kid’s Breakfast

Warning: If you don’t have kids then this post probably isn’t for you.  Feel free to read it, although you will not learn anything new about food or cooking.

Before I get started with the meat and potatoes of this post, I want to get a few things out of the way.

1. One of my favorite things to do with my kid is take her to restaurants and allow her to try new things.  I am secretly (not really a secret) developing her into the greatest chef this world has ever seen.
2. I appreciate when the people at these restaurants go out of their way to talk to my kid and do little extra things for her.  I will literally double my server’s tip if they are good to my kid.
3. I’m not obsessive about my kid’s diet.  I do, however, monitor the amount of bullshit she eats and try to keep it at a minimum.

That being said, STOP PUTTING SWEET SHIT ALL OVER MY KID’S BREAKFAST.  If I order pancakes I don’t need an additional ingredient added that I didn’t ask for that doubles the amount of sugar she’s eating for breakfast.  I already ordered something with “cake” in the name that is going to get smothered with syrup, which is basically sugar in liquid form.  I truly appreciate you attempting to do something nice for us and I’m sure you think that it will make her happy but dumping a can of whipped cream on a pancake and then smothering it with sugar is not what I want my kid eating for her first meal of the day.

I visited a breakfast joint last week which I’m not going to name because I’m not reaching for self-importance like some Yelp reviewer.  I noticed there were “Funfetti pancakes” on the menu.  I didn’t choose the Funfetti pancakes because I actually give a shit about my kid’s nutrition and this is breakfast.  Some even go as far as to call it the most important meal of the day.  Side note: Does anyone even know the ingredients in Sprinkes?  What are they?  I ordered plain pancakes, and guess what.  The waitress brought out pancakes with a side of sprinkles.  l was then left with a choice:  Do I take the sprinkles away and cause a public meltdown or do I allow Eleanor to dump a colorful mystery ingredient all over her pancakes?  The choice was easy: Take the L and avoid public meltdowns at all cost.  But guess what, we are never returning to this place because in Eleanor’s mind this is where she is allowed to have sprinkle pancakes.

Fast forward to this morning when I ordered her pancakes at different breakfast joint and they came out with whipped cream eyes and mouth with a chocolate syrup drizzle. Why would anyone give their kid pancakes with whipped cream and chocolate for breakfast?  I understand that if a kid was going to make breakfast for themselves it would consist of mainly whipped cream and chocolate but that is why kid’s can’t physically make their own meals.  If they could our entire population would look like Chris Christie.  So don’t enable this behavior because I’m now not going to back to this place either because it will be forever known as the place that puts chocolate and whipped cream on pancakes.

The really shitty thing about this isn’t that I can’t go back to your restaurant because my kid will expect desert for breakfast, it’s that she will expect this from every place she goes now.  Pancakes will slowly turn into a delivery system for additional sugary ingredients.  It will slowly get to the point where I just can’t give her pancakes anymore.

To close this out, I understand that I can avoid these issues by simply cooking for my kid at home.  Trust me, I do.  There is just something about taking her out in public and letting her read through a menu and ordering her own breakfast.  It’s something I like sharing with her.  The only thing I’m asking here is bring me what I order and not some “kid friendly” version of it.  If you have raised your kids to appreciate different flavors and not just rely on sweet and salty flavors, your kid will actually eat food that doesn’t need to be covered in ice cream toppings.

So that is it.  If you work at restaurant consider this the next time you bring out someone’s order.  It will help parents like me, who actually care about what their kid eats.

And last thing, which is a different subject but I’m including it in here, STOP PUTTING CANDY DISPENSERS AT THE EXIT OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Thanks.

Tom and Chee

Warning: There isn’t anything in this post that’s incredibly interesting, it’s more just me talking about my surprise from a recent visit to a national chain restaurant, which I usually try to avoid. Now that you’ve been warned you may continue to read on or just skip this post all together.

I’m an absolute sucker for any product that has been on Shark Tank but for some reason I had never paid Tom and Chee a visit. Eleanor had a very important decision the other day. Do we enjoy some “Detroit Style” Pizza at Buddy’s or do we eat grilled cheeses at Tom and Chee’s? I was hoping for Buddy’s but for some reason my road dog had a craving for grilled cheeses that particular day. I had always been curious about this establishment specializing in grilled cheese and soups. How could you go wrong with that combination? Even in my younger days I could produce a mean grilled cheese with Kraft singles.

Now as you can probably tell Eleanor doesn’t have much interest in the documenting your food on-line and writing about it game. She would much rather just eat the food and be done with it. She has deeper interests like toy shows on YouTube, Paw Patrol and jazz camp. It’s OK though, I’ve got the food reporting under control.

I went with the Grilled Mac and Chee which is a mac and cheese, Wisconsin cheddar cheese, applewood smoked bacon and crispy onions all melted together between two slices of white bread. There is absolutely no way something can be bad no matter what you do with those ingredients. It’s impossible to screw up. For dipping purposes, I got a bowl of creamy tomato basil soup.

Quick question, how much tomato soup do you think gets wasted every year because the only logical purpose of tomato soup is for dipping grilled cheese? Further more, is tomato soup ever really wasted if you don’t have grilled cheese to dip in it?

There’s only one way for me to describe this sandwich and that’s to say holy shit. This had to be one of those most disgustingly delicious sandwiches I have ever had. It was most definitely the most dense 1200 calories I have ever consumed. I expected a mess of possibly my favorite two ingredients (bacon and cheese) but this was just over the top. I seriously wasn’t the same for about three hours after consuming this. We went to the park after and I laid on the slide while Eleanor played on the swings. It was embarrassing.

Amazingly if this isn’t a fat enough sandwich for you they are proud to offer it to you IN BETWEEN A DONUT. Seriously, Tom and Chee? Are you trying to kill people?

So in summary, you should go to Tom and Chee. Just one time. I will probably never be back because it’s almost too good. In my old age, I can’t be eating shit like this anymore. Mac and cheese with bacon on a sandwich? Come on.

That’s all. Sorry for possibly the most uneventful post in MoorsFood’s history. Look at that sandwich though.

Jesus.

IHOP Cheeseburger Omelette

Add this to my brand new WTF category..

I’m a big fan of breakfast but in no way do I find it be the most important meal of the day. I classify breakfast as more of a prep meal for lunch.. Something to get me through the first few hours of the day until I can enjoy an actual meal. Anything larger than a bowl of cereal or a sandwich and my day starts in slow motion.

Apparently IHOP thinks it’s a good idea to absolutely destroy people’s stomach in the morning.  Their new cheeseburger omelette is filled with ground beef, hash browns, tomatoes, onions, and American cheese, and topped with ketchup, mustard, and pickles.

When I first read the description of this it wasn’t the eight different ingredients in an omelette that pushed it over the top. It wasn’t the decision to add hash browns to a cheeseburger omelette either. It was the decision to cover an omelette in ketchup and mustard that gave me a stomach ache just thinking about it.

It’s not that I expect better from IHOP. I really don’t. I have had many disgustingly delicious meals at IHOP that made it so I could accomplish absolutely nothing that day. What I do expect is for no one to think it’s a good idea to put ketchup and mustard on an omelette.

Unacceptable IHOP.  UNACCEPTABLE.